Top 8 Canadian Immigrants of All Time

In honour of the Canadian Immigrant Magazine’s Top 25 Canadian Immigrants Contest, we have compiled a list of the Canadian immigrants that have contributed the most throughout of all of Canada’s short but illustrious history.

Zsa Zsa McWilliams
HISTORY EDITOR

8. Spanish Flu The only non-human immigrant to ever be awarded this honour, the Spanish Influenza Virus earns an Honorable Mention in this competition. Along with many other Eurasian viruses and diseases, the Spanish flu crossed the Atlantic on ships with the rest of the European colonizers and settlers. And just like the European colonizers and settlers, it explored the land from coast to coast, decimating indigenous popuations as it went.

7. Hans Bernhardt In 1664 Bernhardt came to Canada, earning an honorary place in Canadian history as the first recorded German immigrant. We recognize Bernhardt here not just because he is a special first, but because he illustrates that even though Cartier founded the first French settlement in the Americas only a hundred years before, any person arriving to Canada that was not English or French (sometimes also Scottish and Irish) would be deemed an immigrant, while the English and French (and Scottish and Irish) were simply pioneers. This deeply Canadian practice of snubbing anyone else that attempts to build a life in Canada has been wholeheartedly carried on through Canadian policy, practice and government. One notable partisan is Mr. Jason Kenny, current Minister of Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism.

6. Henry Hudson The story of Henry Hudson, an English sea explorer, illustrates the excite-ment felt by Europeans discovering a new world and the glory in their ad-ventures. In the early seventeenth century, Hudson explored the East Coast of North America looking for passage to the East for the Dutch East India Company. The river he explored in that area was eventually named after him. In 1611, after spending the winter in James Bay, Hudson wanted to continue further West, but his crew, rep-resenting the only European explorers (other than the Vikings, see 2) to ever visit a foreign land and simply return, were apparently tired of the famous Canadian winter (I’m assuming they didn’t have toques or Sorels then), so they mutinied, and left Hudson, his young son and a few other crewmembers adrift in what was to become Hudson’s Bay, and they were never seen again. Upon returning to Europe, the mutineers were not convicted and ex-ecuted as most mutineers are, instead they were charged with murder and acquitted, being that they possessed information of the new world that was far more valuable to north American colonizers than was justice, another tradition that has wound its way into the Canadian judiciary and political systems and since remained.

5. Chinese-Canadian railway workers We decided it would be pertinent to apply this honour to a group of people, and we would like to recognize the Chinese workers on the Canadian Pacific Railway for two reasons. The first being that they don’t appear to be formally recognized anywhere else. The second, that they are the first and only immigrant population to be actually requested by the Canadian government, who today prefers illegal and/or temporary workers. BC politicians of the time pushed for an accommodating immigrant program for workers from the British Isles (an obvious preference) after being given a strict time limit to build the railway. But our then Prime Minister, much like our current Prime Minister, recognized the true value and opportunity in cheap foreign labour, and he (John A. Macdonald) can be quoted as saying, “It is simply a question of alternatives: either you must have this labour or you can’t have the railway.” A true testament to early Canadian capitalism, Macdonald’s words illustrate the importance of making money over than domestic development needs.

4. Sir John A. Macdonald Macdonald moved to Canada with his family at the tender age of five. Similar to many immigrant experiences in Canadian history, his family struggled to find financial footing in their new home, and young John was forced to leave school at 15, (he was unable to attend university), to help support his family. With no post secondary education, and no interest in learning a trade, the only option for the man who was to enter politics and eventually become the first Prime Minister of the Dominion of Canada was, apparently, law. Along with being a solid number four on our list and the first Prime Minister of Canada, Sir John A. Macdonald was also the first conservative Prime Minister in Canadian history. A tradition that is yet to expire, but we’ve all got our fingers crossed.

3. William Lyon Mackenzie Mr. Mackenzie’s story is another classic tale of a struggling immigrant rising to make his own in a new and foreign land. Mackenzie left Europe at 25 because he lacked stable employment. When he arrived here he worked on a canal in Lower Canada (present day eastern Quebec), and wrote for various local newspapers. He eventually established his own paper, the Colonial Advocate. His interest in local politics led to him running for office. This quintessential story of a newcomer in Canada peaked in 1834 when Mackenzie was appointed Mayor But Mackenzie only lasted until 1835 bcause he did not address the city’s debt or the need for public works another longstanding tradition.

2. Leif “the Lucky” Ericsson Leif the Lucky was the first European to visit North America, likely responsible for establishing the L’ans aux Meadows settlement in present day Newfoundland. It is not a very well known fact that the first Europeans to visit North America were actually Vikings. This is probably because the Norse explorers did so hundreds of years before anyone else and did not steal, colonize and claim ownership of the land to the same extent of their later counterparts. Some have surmised that their apparent lack of ambition or interest in the land (occasionally misinterpreted as an understanding that the land was previously inhabited and not theirs to take) was what kept them out of the history books. We recognise Ericsson here because after his genial first visit to North America, he came back (after having returned to Norway and converted to Christianity) this time with a priest, kicking off a long and far less friendly tradition of European missionary work (also known as ‘forced conversion of the native heathens’ in some texts) in North America, South America, Africa, Asia, and the South Pacific Colonies, to name a few.

1. Christopher ColumbusThe Top Canadian Immigrant Award of all time goes Christopher Columbus, a fifteenth-century Italian sailor. Though Columbus never actually made it to Canada in his lifetime, his extraordinary underestimation of the circumference of our planet lead to one of the most profitable mistakes in history for European colonization of the ‘Americas’. His famous navigational gaffe, landing him in the Bahamas instead of India, was the first of four famous voyages he made across the Atlantic, opening the door to coloniza-tion of North and South America and the decimation of entire indigenous populations. His infamous inability to distinguish between the cultures of North American indigenous peoples and those of India lead to the development of the terms ‘American Indians’, or ‘Native Indians’. His well-lauded racism, rapaciousness and the genocide and land-theft that were born of it are still celebrated in the United States today on Columbus Day, an official holiday.

WikiLeaks leaks shows that Canada is insignificant

CO-CO KENNEY
WIKILEAKS EDITOR

Canadian leaders are scrambling to contain the fallout from another set of WikiLeaks cables from American foreign diplomats.The leaks demonstrate that Canada plays no significant role in global politics and that many believe its representatives to be pathetic and untalented.

Cable 113375, released on March 28, was sent from the London embassy of the United States, actually con-tained the sentence, “I’ve never met a more base, dry or angry human than Canada’s Steve Harper.”

Politicians in Ottawa are scrambling to respond, on both sides of the issue.

“Regardless of what some Ameri-can egg-head thinks of me, they can go to hell,” said Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Harper’s staff were more diplomatic, and shouted through the bathroom door to respond to journalists, as they comforted Harper who had ran into the accessible bathroom stall to cry.

“Our leader is great. Just because the Americans don’t like him doesn’t change how much we love, honour and dedicate ourselves to him and his work,” one staffer said, while sobbing.

The leader of the Official Opposition started to hyperventilate with excitement when he heard the news.

“As Canada’s top egghead, I am in absolute concurrence with my esteemed American colleague and friend,” Ignatieff managed to snort out. His staff were chest bumping and giving each other high fives behind the Liberal leader.

The WikiLeaks cable is an account from an American diplomat after a tense meeting between leaders from Canada, the United States, Britain, France, Germany and Ireland. The meeting was called to discuss the use of white phosphorous by Israel against the population of the Gaza Strip during the most recent offensive on the world’s largest open-air prison.

All the leaders were in agreement that a response was necessary, but what approach to take threw the Canadians into a state of hysteria.

“After two hours of discussion, those present agreed to co-sign a letter written to the Prime Minister of Israel lightly requesting that if they have to bomb Palestinians, that they should consider using either a less corrosive gas, or find an American supplier with a different gas name” the cable said.

“The Canadian guy was in the other room watching the World Juniors Hockey Tournament when we called him in for his signature. He read the demands of the letter, dropped to the floor and started screaming, “Why do you all hate Israel so much?” the cable continued.

“The whole incident was really, really sad,” said Sir Humphrey Phillips, the British official who witnessed Harper’s meltdown. “We asked his wife Laureen, who he had asked to be his designated driver, if we could give him some warm milk and valium to calm him down. She didn’t even notice that he was in distress. ‘I’m used to it’ she told us.

”Phillips read the American cable and said that the account accurately reflected how most world leaders view Harper.

“Aside from most of the dictators in the Middle East, Harper is a person non grata in diplomatic circles.

”Hillary Clinton, when asked to comment, forwarded the following response: “Thank-you for your email. I am currently away from my desk. If your concern is immediate, please email hsachin@freedom.gov.

James Smith, an intern with Joe Biden’s secretary, said that he has heard that Canada isn’t really a main player in high-level decisions. “I’m normally asked to book them tickets for our third tier of seating,” he said.

At press time, it was unclear if Harp-er would be OK having heard the con-tents of the leaked cables.

Rye VP seen burning Kerr Hall to ground

Alison Garvey
FIRE EDITOR

Kerr Hall was burned to the ground last night.In a strangely familiar display of fire, yet another building on Ryerson’s campus was burned down. Many have suggested arson.

Julie Flappard said she saw a woman who resembled Ryerson’ newly-minted Vice-President Administration setting the quadrangular high-school reminiscent building a light.

“I recognized her geek-chic senior-administrator power suit, and she was yelling something about wanting to have a new building because Sheldon Levy has like five,” said Flappard.

The Fire Marshall says that the cause of the  re is unknown, but due to how each of the four wings of Kerr Hall were engulfed in flames so quickly, he suspected that it was likely pre-meditated. “The fire was either set at once in four separate places, or someone used a remote control detonator to explode devises placed at each of the corners of the building,” he said.

Jamie D’Souza saw the  ames and ran toward it to throw his textbooks into the fire. “I just can’t believe it. I hate that building so much. To see it in  ames caused me to do whatever I could to ensure that the fire wouldn’t go out.

”Students a liated with the Oakham ACT club also ran toward the  ames and started dancing around it.

Ryerson University’s department of pubic a airs condemned the  re as an act of terrorism committed by fire’s insatiable desire to burn things.

Sheldon Levy expressed great sympathy for the 40 or so engineering students who were found dead in the basement of Kerr Hall North, and fused to their chairs by the intense heat.

Levy said that an investigation would be undertaken as many suspected that it was arson, and that he would head the investigation up himself, with the help of the Digital Media Zone. The police have said that they will be allowing Levy to do this, based purely on his charm.

But Vice-President Administration Ioana Planingsberg was less charming and even appeared angry at Levy’s fire briefing press conference. Planingsberg said nothing to journalists, but after the press conference, she tweeted “MLG, DMZ, Image Arts and Learning Commons? So long KH. I can finally oversee my own mini-empire. And Sheldz can back o …”

Planingsberg refused to explain the tweet when asked later on during the day, but she said that she was tired from cleaning soot out of her clothes, so her tweets may be less coherent.

Staff from nutrition and the miscellaneous science and engineering departments expressed excitement over the possibility of replacing Kerr Hall’s old infrastructure. The Fashion department was less impressed.The Ryerson Students’ Union is setting up a fund for the theater school that lost years and years of sets, miscellaneous props and at least two technicians.

Ryerson Athletics has successfully proposed a referendum on a fee increase of $467 per semester, per student.

Harper says no to Gay-Straight Alliance

Parliamentary gays lose their shit

Andrew Gabon McBratton
OTTAWA BUREAU CHIEF

Stephen Harper has refused to allow parliament’s  rst Gay-Straight alliance to exist.Formed through the pink triangle caucus of the Senate, the Gay-Straight Alliance was founded in response to rumors that the Federal government would try to de-fund Pride celebrations and the increase in covert expressions of homophobia in question period.

The queer community at Parliament Hill has erupted in anger.

“Gay Senators to Harper: Bitch, please” read the cheeky headline of the group’s release. Some people speculated whether or not this was a homage to a press released issued by Queers Against Israeli Apartheid upon being banned by Pride Toronto for their overtly human rightsy campaign.

Spokesperson for the Gay-Straight Alliance, Senator Addie Horton’s, said that Stephen Harper’s decision to ban these groups must be overturned im-mediately.

“I was appointed to the Senate by the former Liberal government to be both gay and a thorn in the sides of the Conservative party,” said Hornton’s. The Senator represents both the Province of Ontario and the hockey and doughnut legacy of her uncle. “Harper’s ban on our group was the issue I needed to actually show up to work and attend the daily wines and cheeses that mark Senate life.”

“Harper doesn’t realize who he’s fucking with,” she yelled down the Rotunda as she ran toward a wine and cheese that was being hosted by the Canadian Association of Fertilizer Producers and Users.

While no one was surprised that the Gay-Straight Alliance ban has infuriated the mostly gay New Democratic Party, Senators and Members of Parliament are coming out to voice their opposition to the ban.“Let me make this clear. I am not coming out,” said Member of Parliament John Baird.

Other Conservative politicians were more candid, yet embarrassed to be on the record.“When I got elected, I thought I would come to Ottawa and make a di erence,” said one Member of Parliament who refused to be identi ed because he’s a member of the Conser-vative caucus. “I am ashamed of my own caucus. Which is sad because I’ve always been somewhat ashamed of my caucus,” he added.

When asked directly about this decision, Harper said that he believed that allowing a Senate Gay-Straight Alliance would be similar to allowing parliamentarians to form Nazi organizations.

“I’m not saying that gay people and Nazis are the same thing,” said Harper, “But you have to admit that they share similar, and I’d argue dangerous, notions of style” he said to an obviously confused press core.

Despite the ban, it is clear that the Gay-Straight Alliance will continue to push for recognition. One member even said that they’re willing to bring this to the Queen of England to be overturn.

“If Harper thinks that he can police peoples’ sexuality based on his wacky religious beliefs, he’s in for a shock,” said one anonymous Member of Parliament.“If he refuses to compromise, I’ll just have to take this queen to see the Queen. Lizzy will overturn this decision, she’s basically a gay icon” he said.